When the storm of chaos sweeps us away and we try our best to fight the current, we push and pull our way through the thunderous waves of discourage. It’s human instinct to want to fight back, to fulfill a need of knowing you did all you could do. But what would happen if you let go, drifted with the waves, and embraced the chaos?
Chaos comes in many forms, its meaning always altering. Yet no matter when it arrives or what it symbolizes, it brings a storm. That storm can be seen as destructive or cleanings, but either way it is exposing something. In a sense it is empowering to be vulnerable, to know that with the storms of our own creation we are pulling apart the system that no longer suits us.
I started to notice chaos, in a way became more mindful of its presence when I got my first job out of college. The chaos was a storm woven with growth and change. I was finding myself having to fit into a new environment, begin the transition into adulthood, and was exposed to being a women in a workplace. I started to feel the heaviness of chaos on my chest when I went to work, almost like It was trying to get my attention.
Being someone who loves change, I knew that the chaos wasn’t there to pester me or remind me of the change that I was experiencing, instead it was showing me the betrayal I was committing to myself.
In some sense I felt guilty and in other ways I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I was working in an environment that I knew was draining me (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) because I needed to support my family. I had a choice to make, quit or ride out the chaos till new opportunity comes.
I chose to ride it out. I decided that I was going to continue to work in that environment because in many ways it strengthened me. When you spend enough time around toxic people, you start to see their weaknesses and become immune to it all.
I’m not settling, I am preparing for a journey to a new opportunity. I am collecting what I need, reaching out to new places, and speaking without fear. I chose to see the messiness of life as art. I befriended the chaos because it made me vulnerable, like a low tide it exposed what was hidden.