Depression is a Part of Me

Our mind is a powerful. It has the ability to shift our perspective and cultivate endless thoughts. It has the power to change our mood within seconds and make us feel things we cant explain. Our mental health is what influences our choices and reactions to moments. We all have experienced forms of depression, anxiety, self-doubt, body hate (etc). At times we don’t have experiences that triggers those emotion, sometime they just arise and settle into our daily living. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, we must see these emotional shadows as lessons. The powerful mind may cloud our judgement, but we hold the strength to alter its ability to do so.

Ever since I was little I struggled with depression. I’m not ashamed of it because it is a part of me. I find it important to be open about mental health because I want others to know it will be ok. My depression has been the root to a lot of my struggles, from body image to anxiety. I have months where I don’t experience depression and then it will present itself with no reason. This month has been very difficult because I triggered my depression, I had an event occur that welcomed my depression in.

Oakley, my dwarf hotot, has been hurt. He dislocated his elbow and have a splint and tons of x-rays, it won’t go back into the socket. He hasn’t been able to use his left arm because it can’t move, his left arm muscles are weakening due to the lack of use. I had three options for his arm: leave it be, surgery, and amputation. Every option had its pro and con and after many discussion with Brandon and family members, we have decided to amputated the arm. We don’t want Oakley to experience any pain or discomfort as he grows up, he is only 11 weeks old. During this time Oakley was hurt by a vet in Chicago because they put tape on his skin, causing it to remove and irritate his skin while his splint was on. It was an emotional roller coaster knowing that my baby Oakley was struggling.

My depression deepened over the weeks. With lack of any energy and the depression causing muscles soreness, I stopped working out, started to go to bed very early (8pm) and staying in bed on the weekends. I have dealt with this feeling on and off for my whole life, I knew I was depressed. I hated the feeling of weakness and anger, I felt lazy for not being able to move my body with pride. I knew that I could just ride it out till I felt better or I could do something to make myself feel better.

This week has been devoted to doing things that made me feel better.

  • 15-20 mins of morning yoga
  • listening to nature sounds on commute
  • reading on the train
  • 10 min afternoon yoga in the park at work
  • 15-20 mins of evening yoga before dinner
  • weekend +1hr walks in nature (city parks & gardens)

I am feeling more energized and comfortable in my skin this week. I listen to my body during the day, keeping track of how its feeling. I drink more water, do more desk stretches, and give my mind a break to watch a funny cat video online. I have been told to go on medication for my depression but I have turned it down for many years now because I know I have the ability to make myself feel better. I don’t want to push the depression away because its embedded in my genes for a reason.

When we listen to our bodies we manifest a sense of courage, we establish a foundation of respect for ourselves. Listen to what lies within, dive deep into the abyss of your emotions. Create an anchor that tethers you to the physical body. There is going to be some storms along the way but what makes our stronger is swimming along the waves.

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